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What if...?
2001-07-20 - 12:55 a.m.

Man... as I sat down, I knew I had hella shit on my mind to type about, but I now I'm drawing a blank...

You know how there's just some people in your life that you just can't get out of your mind, no matter how long it's been since you've seen them, no matter how long it's been since you've spoken to them; it could be years and you still dream about them, think about them, and wonder about them, worry about them, pray for them, and the occasional "what if?"...

What if I had lost all that weight, would it have changed things? What if I didn't tell my fiance that my best friend just told me that she's in love with me? What if I went ahead and cheated with her? What if I was prepared that one night and kissed her the way I REALLY wanted to kiss her? What if I hadn't stopped talking to her? What if I hadn't gotten as mad as I did at her that one time? What if I tell her that I still think about her even after not seeing or talking to her in about a year?

What if...?

I saw Maya tonight, and now that I'm home sitting here, the only thing I can think of is her saying to me "How come you can't look me in the eye? You can never look me in the eye, it makes me feel weird..."

I haven't been able to look her in the eyes for six years now. For some reason I get so shy around her that it just happens-- unfortunately she's noticed it.

A few days ago I wrote about getting all "googly-eyed" around Francisca-- I can't keep my eyes off her! But here with Maya, I'm all closed up and shit. I figure you're gonna read this someday anyway, Maya, so here's what I think the answer is to your question--

If I look you in the eyes, I know I'll fall in love all over again.

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