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more frustration
09.14.2001 - 2:06 AM

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So there I am, asking Jess to check out my journal, when I suddenly realize that Francisca is right next to me and she doesn't know about this thing.

As we walk to my truck, she asks, "You have a journal online?"
"Yeah," I answer.

(Keep in mind that I do write in this journal everything that I feel, without any kind of remorse or hesitation-- just the way it should be; and that everything I have ever written about her has never been revealed to her...)

"So what do you put in it?"
"Well, you know, stuff that's happened to me that day, about what people have told me and what I've told them... I also put personal opinions about everyone or comment about how I felt about them that day, depending on their interaction with me..."
"And anyone can read it?"
"Sure, it's online... I mean, fuck it-- if I piss someone off, it's my opinion anyways, they don't have to go to the website and read my shit... pretty much the only people that know about it are Jess, Kwasi, and Amy... and now you"

Then she asks me the question--

"Have you written about me???"

I think my long blank stare onto the road ahead of us pretty much answered the question-- as I tried to change the subject... "Would you mind if I hit Starbucks before I dropped you off?"

We then started talking about Tuesday's events and, well... we got to talking about personal shit.� She obviously wants to keep her personal life private, so to respect her wishes and keep our conversation private, let me just say that I found out that with all this stuff going on with terrorist attacks and military maneuvers, her thoughts are focused on someone (a military guy) that she thinks she might be falling for-- and even that's too much information for me to be telling you all.

What am I supposed to do?� I can't say, "Don't think about him because I like you..."� I consider myself lucky to be someone she trusts enough to tell that kind of shit to.�� Do I say anything at all?� Do I distance myself from her because she doesn't even consider dating people she considers "close friends"?� Or do I just say "fuck it" and stop living in a fantasy world where I think I have a chance?� After all, he is a military guy, which means he's got a way better body than I do...

As of tonight, I've already started leaning towards that last question. fuck it.

And all that rambling a couple of entries ago about the roses I gave her?� If you read it again, you'll see that all I truly wanted was a simple "thank you" from her.� That's all.� That's all I ask. Anything. Some kind of acknowledgement that it meant something.� That I maybe even for one minute made her feel like she was the most important person on earth.� At this point, any kind of acknowledgement will do, even a "fuck you, don't send me flowers ever again..."ANYTHING.

"I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter..."
-- Linkin Park "In The End"

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