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why the hell am i even on this fucking earth?
10.29.2001 - 12:14 PM

fuck you

if I actually say that to your face, I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself. what do you want me to do? the past is GONE. it's OVER. i can't take back anything i did to you in the past.

i'm sorry that i didn't turn out to be the son you wanted me to be. i'm sorry that i dropped out of college. i'm sorry that i don't have a piece of fucking paper to hang on the wall that says i graduated from a college. i'm sorry that i'm not skinny. i'm sorry that i have health problems. i'm sorry that you feel that i'm an embarassment to the family because i'm not a
-doctor
-engineer
-lawyer
-soldier
-policeman
-fireman
-bodybuilder
-whatever.

i'm sorry that the car is not in the same shape it was when you bought it TWELVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. i'm sorry that don't trust me with your money. i'm sorry that you think that i still steal from you. i'm sorry that i'm the one that you feel you have to blame when something is
-misplaced
-lost
-broken
-overdrawn
-expensive
-too big
-too small
-too hot
-too cold
-dented
-ruined
-rotten
-too loud
-too quiet
-too salty
-too bland
-too expensive
-too cheap
-whatever.

why am i always the one to blame? i didn't have to come back home. i'm not the one who can't take care of mom by himself. i'm not the one who's trying to live their fucking dreams through their children.

i'm not the same i was ten years ago. i don't steal from you. it's not my fault YOU misplaced something. although i did do your taxes for you this year, it's not MY FAULT you had to actually pay instead of get a refund.

you make me feel useless. for nearly 30 fucking years all i've tried to do is please you. i knew it all was for naught when i got an straight A's instead of A+'s on my fourth grade report card and YOU FUCKING YELLED AT ME. why do you think i got straight C's and D's every year after??? because no matter how fucking hard i try, i know i will never ever please you... so why even try??

you make me feel useless. you make me want to be dead. you make me want to give up. you make me hate myself. the way i look, the way i act, the way i dress-- do you have to comment on every fucking thing???

i'm fucking almost 30 years fucking old, and the only fucking reason i came back to this fucking house is to take care OF MOM. the only fucking reason i work 7 days a fucking week is because OF MOM. the only reason i'm still around is because OF MOM. the only reason i'm still alive is because OF MOM. not you.

i still love you dad, but you're killing me.

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