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call it what you want-- a reality check, a rude awakening, whatever...
11.27.2001 - 11:26 AM

I can't help but dwell on those assholes who clowned on me being big and stuff. It's sooooo easy for everyone to say, "Don't let it get to you, forget about it," when they have no idea what it's like to be the target of all this ridicule. And that was by two different people, at two different times this past week only... what the fuck did I do to deserve that?

I'd like to think that part of being an adult is not to let little petty things like that bother me, but when it becomes a constant thing, it's hard to be strong. It's bad enough that I hear insulting stuff at home from my parents, but then I get teased about it at work from "friends" with little jokes and comments (with the usual "Hey, I'm just kidding" following afterwards), and now from customers and total strangers too (but without the "just kidding" part)...

It all makes me just want to hide in a darkened corner and bury my face in my hands so no one sees the tears flowing out.

"Use this experience to motivate yourself," someone said.
Come on. Money didn't work. A trip to anywhere didn't work. Even a date with Francisca isn't working (well it is a little bit, but it is such a huge dream that is so far out of grasp that it makes me think more realistically now about the fact that she will NEVER NEVER EVER see anything in me...).

Motivation is bullshit. Dreams are bullshit. Dreams of being the big strong football player I once was is bullshit. Dreams of working hard to get that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is bullshit. All my dreams of even making a difference in ANYONE'S life are bullshit. Being remembered by any of these people in 5 years? Bullshit. Going out with her? Total bullshit.

WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING ANYWAYS?

I know who. myself.

It's time for a reality check, Jay. Dreams NEVER come true.

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